This is a conversation that needs to be had. Doing this in itself can cause a level of anxiety within the asker but it’s a responsibility we have to help each other and a simple “how you going today” can change a persons day. Text your loud mate, quite mate, friend you don’t see that often, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, brother, sister, mum, dad, nan, grandad. Do it now, pick one, just check in with them.
Nik Ford
Thanks for talking to us about this sensitive subject Nik. I want to start off by asking if your issues with mental health were a direct result of your crash or whether they were pre-existing?
No worries at all, if my experiences can help just 1 person then we’ve done a good thing and that’s what counts. In regards to how I was before my head injury, I have no concrete memories from before 2003 so I can only speculate, but with the benefit of hindsight I believe there was some tell-tale signs in my youth. Help wasn’t so widely available when I was younger and things often went unnoticed or miss labelled.
I’ve always been crazy but it’s kept me from going insane!
I was an angry youth, I trained in kickboxing twice a week to help combat this but actually it may have fuelled the fire. School was either easy or hard, I excelled in some subjects and some just weren’t for me. I got into quite a lot of fights and was given an aggression counsellor, however I believe the outward aggression was actually born more out frustration that came from difficulties I had at school.
How did your issues initial manifest? What were the first signs that you were struggling with mental health?
They developed later on in my story when I became withdrawn, I struggled committing to plans and would shy away from social situations. I was frustrated, aggressive and prone to mood swings. I believe that some of the difficulties I battled and continue to live with, are as a result of numerous concussions and unfortunately Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) cannot be diagnosed in the living and is only revealed in post-mortem.
How have you addressed and dealt with the issues you experienced?
“You should never run from your problems; pedalling is much faster”
I think this reaction was evident from the start…..
After my head injury all I knew was I wanted to be a professional bmxer. I thought that the best rehabilitation was for me to get back on the bike and finish what I started. I was re wired into a competitive person, I had to pass so many physical therapy challenges and with this drive, I threw myself into chasing my BMX dream.
I got sponsored, won events, was on TV, radio shows, in a book and even had a poster in Ride UK Magazine.
I thought I was invincible, however the first signs of mental health problems came when I returned from a year competing in Australia, where I experienced some career highs. It was not long after my return to the UK that my dream was shattered, after a misdiagnosis of a broken leg, I then crashed again and had to have an ACL reconstruction. This came as a massive blow, I had so much I wanted to build on and I wasn’t ready to hang up my helmet. I found this time off my bike worse than my head injury. I was locked in, fully aware this time but it felt out of my control. This is when I noticed that I had become lost in my battle to adjust to life without BMX. For all the highs my journey had given me, I sure wasn’t prepared for the lowest lows. I felt forgotten about and I lost that spark.
After what seemed like a long time in the dark, I came to realise that I had to keep fighting for that something that was missing. I think this is when my anxiety really manifested as I had to battle mixed emotions in regards to the comeback. On one hand I had unfinished business and on the other, a fear of falling again.
By 2013 I felt like I had got my spark back and embarked on a celebratory 10 year tour of my head injury. I got the front cover of the Diamondback BMX catalogue and the photo was used for the Diamondback stand at Eurobike and the NEC Cycle Show. Another standout highlight that year was being voted top 25 in the Ride UK BMX Magazine Reader Awards for street and skatepark rider of the year categories. I felt euphoric, the tour was over I’d survived!
I then dislocated my shoulder and had to have surgery. This resulted in another lengthy period off my bike, hello darkness my old friend.
It was tough both physically and mentally, my son was young and I couldn’t pick him up. I thought is this really what I should be doing now? Is it selfish? I have a family and a mortgage. I again was questioning if I should, or even could do another comeback.
I had to ask myself some serious questions during this unplanned hiatus and with the support of my wife I embarked on another comeback tour.
After getting back in the ring for a few years, I thought BMX was slowing down for me, I quit my bike sponsor and then the darkness came again.
I was left with the fact I had to confront what actually happened in 2003 and the truth that I never really processed it. Well after several episodes, aggressive outbursts, bipolar behaviour and isolating myself, I had to reach back out for the help I was initially offered. During this period, I came to the realisation that I needed to keep riding and pushing myself as it’s that spark that carries me through.
It was about this time that I discovered Ride On and a place where I can continue to do me and keep my BMX dream alive.
I have some coping strategies I learnt through my counselling. These are mainly focused around CBT – cognitive behaviour therapy. Which was recommended to help treat my PTSD and associated anxiety. The PTSD is attributed to my head injury and the subsequent injuries I have sustained whilst chasing my BMX dream.
I also now take medication to help with the chemical imbalance in my brain and to help increase the serotonin levels, which has helped stabilise my mood swings. Although I am still prone to relapses, I am in a better place to manage them.
Can you tell us a little more about CBT?
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a practice that can help you make sense of overwhelming problems by breaking them down into smaller, more manageable parts.
In CBT, problems are broken down into 5 main areas:
- situations
- thoughts
- emotions
- physical feelings
- actions
CBT is based on the concept of these 5 areas being interconnected and affecting each other. For example, your thoughts about a certain situation can often affect how you feel both physically and emotionally, as well as how you act in response to it.
What I took from it, in a simplified version is that if the thought is a practical concern, I can act on it thus removing the concern. If it is a theoretical concern, then I have to let it go. We can’t control the outcome of a theoretical concern.
How does riding BMX and also filming/editing videos play a part in your coping strategies and help in general?
I am better when I am busy, a rolling stone gathers no moss. I like to have a project to work on, something to focus on and riding gives me that.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night”
I also attribute some of my filming to an underlying worry that I may forget everything again and it will serve as a record to help put the pieces back together. After my head injury, I looked at all the photos I had taken to help figure out who I was, how I rode and who all these people were. Filming also helps me evaluate trick execution and progress, I regularly film multiple shots for editing purposes and trying to find the best angle. This process though, can cause me difficulties with decision making in the editing process. I also want my videos to tell a story and remind me what I can do when the dark clouds come.
I believe that my latest edit is my finest work to date and encapsulates my bike riding experience. It is authentic and comes from a place of soul.
One thing with investing so much time in a project is how flat it can sometimes make me when the “BMX media” may overlook your efforts in favour of riders that are on the teams of their advertisers. I get it, but I’m sure the educated rider will see these websites for what they are and how fickle the media can be.
They are not a true platform for what BMX is and that shit really does suck. Shout out to the real ones that post and promote riders across the board.
That being said, I would like to make the point that large numbers do not indicate quality and impact. Quality and impact are separate from numbers. I have received some awesome messages and comments relating to my 25 to life edit thus proving my point.
Impact means more than a view count, the view count is an outward manifestation of the ego. Quality is defined by the impact it has, impression over numbers. A connection with the viewer, that is what is important and lasting.
For others reading this who may have some concerns about their own mental wellbeing – What are the tell-tale signs that someone could be encountering Mental Health issues?
It is often easier to spot the changes in someone else rather than within yourself. We as a community and a society need to look out for each other. If you notice changes in a friends/loved one’s behaviour, ask them if they are ok. This is a conversation that needs to be had. Doing this in itself can cause a level of anxiety within the asker but it’s a responsibility we have to help each other and a simple “how you going today” can change a persons day. Text your loud mate, quite mate, friend you don’t see that often, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, brother, sister, mum, dad, nan, grandad. Do it now, pick one, just check in with them.
For anyone who thinks they might be struggling what would your advice be?
You are not alone, everyone has a shadow, a dark side that they have to learn to live with. You can’t have one without the other, light needs dark to exist. If you find yourself in a low point, this means something good is coming. A high will always follow a low. You can’t enjoy the highs without the lows, they would have no context. It’s this classical narrative structure that life is based on. We need to remember the highs when we feel low, memories give us the strength we need to proceed. Yin Yang.
Tell us a little about the event you help organise for CALM?
A Light in The Dark is the annual charity event I organise for CALM. The name of event is a metaphor for the points raised above. It serves as a testament to my ongoing willingness to be better, do better and hopefully help our community. Suicide is the biggest killer of our demographic and this shouldn’t be the case. We can change this, it is within our power so why wouldn’t we embrace it.
I do ask myself why someone with social anxiety would organise the gathering of lots of people and like attending events but I know it is important I put myself in these situations because I am better for it. I like to challenge myself and it helps keep my mental health in check. Get stoked, stay stoked!
More information on the fantastic work CALM do can be found on their website at –
What’s next for you?
I have a lot of thoughts/plans/dreams for the year and years ahead.
I am stoked to see that the Backyard Jam is back, I rode 2 rounds back in 2003 and am keen to compete this year’s events, I’m hoping to get in the Cardiff one. It would have been rad to see an over 30’s category included.
I would like to see the industry sponsor more older riders, not because they used to be rad but because they still are. I’m not saying paid sponsorship or anything like that, just some product as support for their efforts. This is something I hope we see change in the near future. Our demographic arguably has a greater disposable income and therefore makes sense to market towards. If a team has a wide range of riders on, I am more likely to be interested in purchasing from that brand. Also the older team riders can act as mentors to the younger guys and girls on the team. After all BMX is a family.
I will be holding the 3rd “A Light in the Dark” BMX Jam raising money for CALM in September/October time. We raised £365 last year so this year’s event has got a big target to reach but I’m hopeful. Shout out to Ian Morris at 4Down for already pledging his support.
I’m also pleased the Ride UK BMX magazine is back in print and hope to work with them on a piece for a future issue.
I attended the Ride On session at Cardiff and plan on going to a few more before the end of year contest at Graystone. Can’t wait for that, hope there is a grind jam!
Finally Neil, thank you for all you do with Ride On. It means so much to me and many more.
Stay rad, be kind and RIDE ON!
